Making a list to help myself keep track:

Shows that I am caught up on

• Vampire Diaries
• Glee
• Cake Boss

Shows I need to catch up on

• How I Met Your Mother
• Pretty Little Liars
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (or CSI: Las Vegas)
• House
• Gossip Girl

Shows I will start watching once I have time

• Game of Thrones
• Once Upon a Time
• Lost
• New Girl
• Criminal Minds
• Walking Dead
• American Horror Story

Well good to know that I’m caught up with school because I’m so behind with my series :/ #isschooldoneyet ? 

Phew… Glad to have the chains detached from me and feeling free and relaxed again.  I worked hard for what I wanted and I feel that I deserve this pride. I didn’t walk a thousand miles because I wanted the exercise, I came so far because I needed the journey.

Went out for fresh air and a nice joy ride tonight. Definitely starting to think I am bipolar. Or maybe I’m just pretending to be depressed. I. DON’T. KNOW.

All I know is I’m getting more and more anxious as the days count down. This pile of misery keeps rising and there’s nothing more I can think of to do to suppress it.

There’s so many friends and close ones who constantly ask me what’s wrong and wants to help me. I appreciate it, I do. I just can’t speak of it though. When someone talks to me about my problems, I just sit there and look down. I can’t even look the person in the eyes - when I try to speak, it comes out so softly that no one can even hear me; if I try to repeat in a louder tone, I get frustrated and start crying.

I hate the overload of different reactions I have. I think I need to get treated ASAP.

It’s always this chain reaction. You make one mistake, it leads to another; however, where you fell, is where you will get back up from [Chinese proverb]

Last weekend I had a breakdown. I have not felt this miserable in so long, and I really just want to avoid the world. I really hate talking about problems - I hate feeling like I’m ruining everyone else’s mood when we go out, so all I can do is just put on this smile and say “I’m fine, I’m just tired and stressed”. 

I stared at this blank page for 10 whole minutes.. I timed myself and set an alarm. Why?  Because if I didn’t, I would’ve stared longer, and I would never begin typing these words. I am the number one person who looks down at myself; but running up is a handful of people who encourage my deterioration. I’m so sick of being around people now, but at the same time I don’t know where to wander to. 

&&&

I have never felt this depressed before. I really think I might have a problem.

A guy friend who I haven’t spoken to in maybe a little over a year?… suddenly messaged me yesterday! :D We haven’t spoken because we drifted- not like anything bad ever happened between us. I’m really excited though because right off the bat he was just like “I wanted to know if you wanna chill with me…” LOL he’s like one of those old high school classmates that you’ve had good times with and can’t forget. Although… now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think we ever had a course together :/ we just know each other because we were in the same grade/graduating class kind of thing. But yeah… :) happy that he messaged and that we can just hang out and catch up on old times.

Friends are family who aren’t related to you :)

Sorry for the funny title- inside joke of yesterday, haha. What an interesting night; I got to talk it out and get a lot enough off my chest regarding some suppressed feelings I’ve had for a while. I think best of all though, I got cheered up with just seeing how genuine a group of friends I have now. These people are all for me and do so much for me, I really do love them. They help through everything and even though there’s so many unspoken words about my feelings for a situation or a certain someone, they still know what to say and just make my world solid again.

&&&

I’m not fragile, I’m not weak. I can stand up and be confident, and best of all not stand alone. 

I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t know who you think you are to just come pointing fingers at me. Yes, I know you care about me and I know exactly what’s going on; but no, sorry this is the last straw because you need to get a reality check. I am not the one who reached out for you that night, I am not the one who asked for your help, from my understanding no one even told you to step out and take any action that night either! So stop, stop trying to guilt-trip me, stop believing there is a chance! There is nothing left to be said between us, and I am not going to take anymore of this immature child-like behaviour from you.

&&&

You’ve made enough mistakes experiences in the past, now learn from them.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I bipolar or something?.. would not be surprised if I am. How many ups and downs can there be in one person’s life? I’m so tired, I don’t want to deal with anything, I want to curl up and just be in my bed, and to not talk to anyone. Psychological issues alert..